I: If you liked someone with a terminal illness, would you still date them knowing they might not live much longer? Yes.

L: Have you ever told a big lie, one that you felt bad for? Did you ever come clean? If I have, I don’t remember it. But since I lie quite often, it should have happened to me at least once. But usually, I don’t care about lying and don’t feel bad for that. It’s strange, because I’m a very honest person and I absolutely can’t lie about some stuff (how I feel about someone or about a situation, etc.) but I can lie really easily when it’s about me, about what I feel or live…

M: Is there anything that you’d never do for any amount of money? I think I would never do anything that involves harming someone else. I can deal with things that involve me, but if I have to kill or harm or do something bad to someone else, big no-no. I think I would be able to live with having done something weird or horrible to me, but not to someone else.

W: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? Already answered :)

G: Do you believe in ghosts? I don’t know if I believe in them, but I’m sure they believe in me! No, seriously, yes, I believe in ghosts. I think there is a lot of things we don’t know about in this world, and a lot of strange things can happen. Whether it is dead people, their remaining energy or natural phenomenon, things are happening, we can’t deny it.

W: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? I’m still not sure. I really think that whom you live with is more important than where. But I still have a crush for islands. I would love to live in Iceland, or Feroe Islands. But as long as I live with people I love and care for and as long as it’s not in a too fucking hot place, I think I’m going to be happy :)

I’m not sure we can call today a good day as I spend the whole day working really hard (I need to hand back my Master’s thesis the day after tomorrow and I’m not sure I’ll be exactly ready), but it was certainly not a bad day. :) Thank you so much, I hope you’re having a good day too!

J: If you sold your soul, what would it be for? I don’t think I will ever sell my soul, even if I was promised great things. How will I be able to enjoy those great things without a soul?

K: Would you ever kill someone? What would be a good reason? I don’t think there can be a good reason for killing someone. And we can never be sure of what we would do in our life.

N: Would you consider yourself vain or narcissistic? I don’t know. I’ve read Judith Butler’s Gender Troubles recently, and referring to Michel Foucault and the things he said about Herculine Barbin, she explained that Herculine Barbin was a very narcissistic and vain person caught into two types of narcissism: negative narcissism (thought that everybody hated him/her) and positive narcissism (thought that everybody would be falling for him/her because he/she could bring something that no other men nor women would ever be able to bring to a relationship. I really think that when people hate themselves and are certain that everybody look at them because they’re disgusting, it’s also a form of narcissism, because we suppose that people care about us (negatively). Thus, I do think I’m narcissistic. And let’s face it, it’s something that is somewhat needed if one wants to become a model.

Q: Do you prefer peace and quiet, or loud chaos? I think that peace and quiet is better. I obviously love both, but I get tired easily by loud chaos, so if I needed only choosing one it would be peace and quiet.

Y: Is there anything you wouldn’t do for love? I don’t know. I am not sure I have ever been in love. I mean, deep, powerful and passionate love. I have no idea what I could be capable of, and that’s exactly what’s scary. Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll have any limits. (Oh and I presumed it was love for another man or woman, and not love for a child. Because I think I would do everything for my child.)

Z: Would you ever have sex for money? Let’s face it, we are all hidden behind our “no, never!” but we all know that a huge majority of us would do it for a huge amount of money. Of course, I’m one of those people. I’m not naive, I know that if I’m given a lot of money, I would do it. But give me the money first.

F: Are you a virgin? No, but last time I made love was such a long time ago that it’s like I’m back on being a virgin. Hahahaha!

R: Religion, what is yours? Do you believe in a god? No, not really know. I respect religion and spirituality as long as believers are not trying to make me believe, to tell me I’m wrong or to judge my life. I don’t judge theirs. I know that some people need to believe in something or need spirituality to be happy in their life. I don’t.

V: Do you ever want children? Oh yes. I can’t imagine my life without children. When I entered university, I was 17, and I was actually jealous of someone I knew that was a mum. I’ve wanted children for a long time, I hope I won’t need to wait until I’m like 27 to have children.

U: Has anyone you knew ever died? If so, who? My grandfather. He committed suicide when I was around 5.

I hate lying, so I will be honest with you.

I wanted to create yet another Tumblr to hide things from you. I start to have problems with food, again. And I wanted a place where I could write about it without being judged. Yes, I feel quite ashamed; I hoped I was past that kind of problems. But having gained weight faced me with the same insecurity and fear/disgust of looking at my body I had two years ago.

I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want to end up in the same old unhealthy behaviours. I guess that it’s a whole: stress, frustration, sadness and that it fed these body issues. I decided to follow some malethinspo/manorexia tumblrs, to scare me, but it had somehow the opposite effect.

I guess I’m strong and I will pull through. But I feel stupid to have tried to hide these problems from people I love. I need to accept my problems, assume it and try to feel ashamed nor guilty. Because that’s part of who I am.

As I said, I hate lying, so I will be honest with you.

Do you really think I’m not worthy ?

Dear heavenly creatures,

I apologize for not being here as much as I would love to. Let me explain what prevents me from derping around in my Tumblr-esque lair.

1) I have classes at uni 26h/week, which is rather hell.

2) Not counting the huge amount of work (translation, response papers, localisation, terminology, translation theories, and most of all, writing my masters thesis) I have to do at home.

3) I am thinking about a lot of things that keep me always busy in my mind, always keeping turning over:
a) I have a hard time with one of my best friends whom I suspect to try to copycat me (as weird and absurd as it sounds: who would like to look like me?). And the worst in all of that is that he seems actually to do it better than me.
b) I have the opportunity to go to Santa Barbara next year, to teach French and study. But I don’t know if I am able to live far from everyone, to live abroad all by myself. I still don’t know how things will go, if they’ll help me find a place to live, etc., I want to try, because it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but I am scared. (By the way, if you know people who live or lived in Santa Barbara, tell me, it would be great if I could ask someone questions…)
c) I tend to think a lot about what I feel these days, and maybe I am ending up over-analysing my emotions… But I really feel drained, exhausted, and most of all, alone. I think that the trigger was only a song. Listening to it, I thought that it was sad I had no-one I could sing that song to, and that it was maybe the reason why I am able to listen to the saddest song, because I can only try to emote, never having loved someone or felt pain of being left or leaving a love one. Then, I started wondering about the last real person I had a crush on, which led me to feel desperate because there is no way something viable will come up with that person. And then, I watched RuPaul’s Drag Race to avoid thinking about that.
d) Concerning modelling, it’s at a stand-still.
e) During a discussion with I don’t really remember who, I just realised that I have almost never ever felt I was belonging. I almost always feel weird, different, judged or misunderstood. Maybe it’s my own fault, feeling like I am too much of an individual to belong to a community, I just don’t know, but I don’t feel concerned when people talk about men in general, neither when they talk about gay people in general nor about people with gender issue. I always feel queer, because most gay people, for example, makes me know each day that I’m not one of them, I don’t know why, they just seem to not like me, and it is quite the same when it comes to transgender community, because I feel good as I am now, even if they feel I am a woman in a male body. I don’t feel that, I just feel I am me, in my body, I feel kind of genderless, or maybe gender-full, a mix of everything, and I am happy like that.
f) And at the same time, with the life I live, it’s as if I couldn’t complain, because I should be happy, living in Paris, studying something I love. But it’s maybe not what I need. Perhaps I just need feeling acknowledged by people or liked. Or having a mainstay in my life, someone I could see as much as I want to.

4) I spent the only free time I had with my friends, trying not to be alone at home, trying to avoid thinking and loneliness, so I spent the whole week-end at one of my best friend’s house in the suburbs, with her family, seeing also her best-friend (who is my last crush), and it was very great not sleeping alone for once.

5) I feel more and more jealous, envious and bitter, and a lot of things on that website provoke such reactions. Every time I see a model, I want to be him or her, just because I want to live my dream. Every time I see a cute couple or best-friends or pictures of people during their summer holidays, anything, it makes me feel lonelier and more in need of packing in everything to start anew somewhere else, even if I am pretty sure that it wouldn’t change a thing, because I guess I must be the main problem in all of that.

6) I also feel annoying. As if I was annoying everyone, unwillingly.

7) I am lost.

I’m so pissed off right now. I’m just even more disgusted in people that I have ever been. Why can’t you let people choose for themselves ? Why can’t you let him be a man and a woman ? I have always been aware of people being judgemental and ignorant. But you, all of you, you are supposed to be different, you are always repeating that you are different. That being transgender, transsexual help you keep your own opinion, your own feeling about yourselves, that you will never judge somebody for what they are. But you do. Every single fucking day, you judge and judge and judge and judge.

When I asked you, why can’t someone be a woman and a man at the same time ? Why must you put people into two fucking stupid categories : transgender and cisgender ? When he asked you some advice, when he told you that he felt both male and female, that he didn’t know if he wanted to choose, what was your answer ? “If you want to be ridiculous when you’ll be 25 or 40, that’s your choice !” … “you know, testosterone won’t let you be a man and look like a woman, you’ll be ugly”.

Please, jump down from a bridge or under a train. You are all so vain, so useless, so narrow-minded. We don’t care about being ridiculous or ugly. Transphobic people think you are all ridiculous and ugly, you experience their judgement and hatred every day. But you just do the same thing to other people ? Do you even realize how stupid you are ? Besides, the point is not to “look like a woman”, it is to be a woman. I don’t have to wear ridiculous high-heels or skirt that almost let everyone see my crotch and teeter everywhere, stupidly giggling and asking men to hold the door or carry my suitcase.

I can feel I am a woman and keep wearing pants and jacket, blazer and flat shoes. What I feel inside matters. What I look like does not. And if I don’t want to choose, if I want to be both at the same time, or if I want to be none, it is perfectly okay.

To see a friend that always feel perfectly happy being androgynous starting to go out with transgender or transsexual people didn’t bother me at all. I always thought you were perfectly nice people, buty I was rather surprised by your openness : I have experienced rejection from your community because of my not wanting to “choose” one side. Anyway, when he then started to wonder what he really is, if he maybe should choose to be either male or female, because he couldn’t be really both, I didn’t react. It is perfectly normal when being young as we are to wonder what we are and what we should do. But when I saw you tell him : “you had to choose, you won’t be able to keep being both all your life”, “if you don’t want to be ridiculous, you’ll have to choose” or even, joking I guess, “be a drag or be a macho !”, it just clicked. You are behind everything. Obviously, you couldn’t leave him be.

I am so tired to answer you, you didn’t even worth my answers. I just don’t want to have anything to do with you, you fake, judgemental, hypocritical, narrow-minded, stupid people. I just hope one night you will suffocate under your fake boobs.

Luckily, there are some transgender people that are open-minded, nice and understanding.

Hey guys, it’s 4.30 am here, I have to wake up in three hours, but I just wanted so badly to tell you how my night went ! I just spent the entire party dancing WITH Beth Ditto and the other Gossip’s members and Kiddy Smile and all the other guests ! Every guest was with us, in the crowd, dancing, drinking, smoking, derping around as if they were anonymous people partying. It was really really great ! I only have one picture of Beth Ditto sorrowfully, and it’s dark, shitty quality and she’s derping around as usual bwahaha (she is really really funny !) When I tried to ask her a photo with her, she was already too drunk, and she answered me : “Yes, of course, no problem, sweetie” with a big smile, but two seconds after that she yelled “weeeeeeeheeee wait I love this song” and left me there alone. So, no pictures with Beth Ditto T.T ! But I really loved that she was who she is, and didn’t act as if she were better than everybody because she’s famous. That’s why we love her !

Oh and, even if people were looking at me and my best friend like “what the fuck are you doing here, peasants ?!”, a guy (a model, like almost 80% of people at the party haha) talked to my best friend and was persuaded that we were models (but I strongly think that he was said WE look like model to be polite, but was just thinking of my best friend).

Well, it’s time to go to bed, but I am so excited by this night that I am not even tired.

And the most what-the-fuck thing was that this was 100% free. Dancing with Beth for free. I just feel very privileged.

I really love you all ♥

But still, there are obviously some traumas or problems still here, maybe buried deep down or just hidden by glitters. I can say I’m fine, that I am on the way of recovery (from what, besides ?), I can repeat it every minute of every hour of every day, but it won’t change the truth, the reality. There is still something wrong.

If not, why would I cry every time I see other people cry or suffer ? Why would I cry when I see parents worrying for their children, worrying for their life ? Why would I cry every time I watch Grey’s Anatomy, why would I cry again and again when someone lose a loved one ? Why would I cry when someone learn the unspeakable truth, when one’s life shatters, when the illusion disappears, leaving only grey and blood and tears behind ?

There are foaming waters underneath my skin, foaming feelings under pressure. I don’t need much to explode, to let these feelings appear and drown me.

When I remember that I’ve wanted to be a surgeon for a long time, I’m happy not to have became one. It will always be a regret in a way, but I don’t think I would have been able to handle the pressure, death, guiltiness and all. I’m too weak, I don’t have the right to save people, not until I am able to save myself.

Yes, I’m fine, at least on the surface. But deep inside, there is still something wrong.