Dear heavenly creatures,
I apologize for not being here as much as I would love to. Let me explain what prevents me from derping around in my Tumblr-esque lair.
1) I have classes at uni 26h/week, which is rather hell.
2) Not counting the huge amount of work (translation, response papers, localisation, terminology, translation theories, and most of all, writing my masters thesis) I have to do at home.
3) I am thinking about a lot of things that keep me always busy in my mind, always keeping turning over:
a) I have a hard time with one of my best friends whom I suspect to try to copycat me (as weird and absurd as it sounds: who would like to look like me?). And the worst in all of that is that he seems actually to do it better than me.
b) I have the opportunity to go to Santa Barbara next year, to teach French and study. But I don’t know if I am able to live far from everyone, to live abroad all by myself. I still don’t know how things will go, if they’ll help me find a place to live, etc., I want to try, because it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but I am scared. (By the way, if you know people who live or lived in Santa Barbara, tell me, it would be great if I could ask someone questions…)
c) I tend to think a lot about what I feel these days, and maybe I am ending up over-analysing my emotions… But I really feel drained, exhausted, and most of all, alone. I think that the trigger was only a song. Listening to it, I thought that it was sad I had no-one I could sing that song to, and that it was maybe the reason why I am able to listen to the saddest song, because I can only try to emote, never having loved someone or felt pain of being left or leaving a love one. Then, I started wondering about the last real person I had a crush on, which led me to feel desperate because there is no way something viable will come up with that person. And then, I watched RuPaul’s Drag Race to avoid thinking about that.
d) Concerning modelling, it’s at a stand-still.
e) During a discussion with I don’t really remember who, I just realised that I have almost never ever felt I was belonging. I almost always feel weird, different, judged or misunderstood. Maybe it’s my own fault, feeling like I am too much of an individual to belong to a community, I just don’t know, but I don’t feel concerned when people talk about men in general, neither when they talk about gay people in general nor about people with gender issue. I always feel queer, because most gay people, for example, makes me know each day that I’m not one of them, I don’t know why, they just seem to not like me, and it is quite the same when it comes to transgender community, because I feel good as I am now, even if they feel I am a woman in a male body. I don’t feel that, I just feel I am me, in my body, I feel kind of genderless, or maybe gender-full, a mix of everything, and I am happy like that.
f) And at the same time, with the life I live, it’s as if I couldn’t complain, because I should be happy, living in Paris, studying something I love. But it’s maybe not what I need. Perhaps I just need feeling acknowledged by people or liked. Or having a mainstay in my life, someone I could see as much as I want to.
4) I spent the only free time I had with my friends, trying not to be alone at home, trying to avoid thinking and loneliness, so I spent the whole week-end at one of my best friend’s house in the suburbs, with her family, seeing also her best-friend (who is my last crush), and it was very great not sleeping alone for once.
5) I feel more and more jealous, envious and bitter, and a lot of things on that website provoke such reactions. Every time I see a model, I want to be him or her, just because I want to live my dream. Every time I see a cute couple or best-friends or pictures of people during their summer holidays, anything, it makes me feel lonelier and more in need of packing in everything to start anew somewhere else, even if I am pretty sure that it wouldn’t change a thing, because I guess I must be the main problem in all of that.
6) I also feel annoying. As if I was annoying everyone, unwillingly.
7) I am lost.